Why I stopped my consciousness research

Since early childhood, I am interested in the world beyond what I experience with my five senses. The sense that allows me to connect beyond this material world is by many called the sixth sense. The sixth sense is an important tool for me when I paint for example. But this sixth sense also has failed me many times or rather, I thought I used it but it was my analytical mind that took over.

This confusion of who was talking to me inspired me to learn more about psychology, the brain, the nervous system, biology, sociology, physics and now, simulation theory (digital physics, consciousness studies and so forth). I do not believe there is one discipline that has all the answers. The brain is crucial but I do not see how it creates my imagination. Biology shows me that my food and sleeping patterns to name two, affect my imagination and creativity. Sociology and psychology tell me about things such as peer pressure and some behaviour.

They all are like puzzle pieces that slowly has come into focus and, begin to find their place on my canvas. But this is a never-ending puzzle I realized and instead of adding more detailed pieces I rather spend time on the application of my understanding of my awareness. Let me explain.

Over time, I have learnt what drives me, what excites me, what pisses me off, what triggers angriness and so on and so forth. These characteristics are part of me and some can be explained, see my Big Five personality assessment. What I have learned from studying the theory of The Larger Consciousness System (LCS) is that fear lays at the basis of most frustrations, angst, anger and other negative or obstructive behaviour.

“Oh, but I am never afraid

Fear comes in many forms and shades. Fear for being excluded from a group results in for example accepting other’s values and attitudes. Fear to fail can result in not starting something. The list is endless and instead of studying this further I decided to apply what I have learned.

One of my goals is to identify, analyse and overcome my fears. Since I began to do this my life choices have become better and I have become happier and healthier. But I am in the fortunate position to have a loving spouse who accepts me and my situation (50 year old white male) and she supports me. Thus, I can do make my hours and create stuff.

The good thing about creating stuff that comes from my mind, is that it is mostly about me. This means every brush stroke is a choice, every topic is a choice and every interpretation is a choice. But are they all my choices or influenced by a fear? Now this is where the rubber meets the road. Here lies my deepest fascination.

I have learned to listen to subtle signals in my body. I sometimes think of my body as a big antenna. Thus, I think I know when I do or do not do something based on a fear. Especially the fear of being excluded plays a role in my decisions. At the same time I love to give a big middle finger up to society and say: exclude me.

To not have to fit in is the ultimate freedom. When I reach that point my imagination and ideas run free. I have no time then to register all that comes through. The opposite is true as well. When I think about “what would they think…”, I know I become blocked and begin to make rational decisions.

So this tension is what drives me at the moment. Being hyper aware of my bodily sensations, my thoughts, my choices. So instead of spending time on how this all works I spend time on creative stuff and use what I have learned.